I’ve recieved a couple messages asking about a new post. Yes, things are okay. Yes, things are normal. No, we have not gotten a call from our living donor coordinator. Hour to hour. Day to day. Week to week. We simply wait.
I find that I don’t cry out of the blue as often anymore. But, I do cry easily. When something else goes wrong: forgot my purse, need gas when I’m running late, Abby gets thrown during a show, Hb struggling with school. I kinda lose it. Big tears and snot and all. Right when I think I’ve got a handle on things a little bit of something extra pushes me right off that line I was balancing on. Sigh.
Most days are good. We laugh again. We smile. We play with the girls and the dog. But overall I’d say we are tired.
Home dialysis is a chore. Yes! We know we are “so lucky you can do that at home every night.” Lucky indeed! Two of our rooms look like they belong in a hospital. Hearing the cycler transfer dialysate and continuously sould alarms when it can’t – ALL NIGHT LONG. We are super lucky. Ording supplies, being home half a day waiting for deliveries, running to the pharmacy, scheduling appointments, attending appointments, masks, gloves, needles, drugs. We are tired. Not always falling asleep tired. But just drained.
Deep breath. Sometimes I bust out of the house early. The girls are still sleeping. Jamey is still connected to the cycler. And I take a trip to Target. Alone. I sit in the parking lot with my coffee. I text Amanda. She makes me laugh. A lot. And I just take a minute. I soak up the silence. I view the beauty that is Colorado. I’m thankful for the friends that are continuously there for us. The ones we don’t ask anything of – but continuously, week to week, give us what we need. Grabbing Jamey for a business lunch. (Very important meeting I’m sure.) Randomly hugging me even when there is already a smile on my face. Taking two seconds to talk to the girls. Talking to us about anything other than renal failure. Teachers loving our girls – and telling them! Praying for us. I love you so much. I’m so thankful for you. It’s often those little moments in passing at work, at school, at church, in a text message, or our driveway that keep us balancing on that line. Thank you. Thank you so very much! Your actions are noticed and you are appreciated!