After my big initial cry I started trying to rationalize all of this. It isn’t a heart. It isn’t his brain. It is just a kidney. We can get a kidney from a living donor. People only need one. This isn’t cancer. No one is dead. We can deal with this. We can do this. Dialysis will keep him alive for a long long time. And so on…
You know what? This sucks. And everyone is dealing with something. Someone can’t find their matching shoe this morning. And that is bad for them. Someone wrecked a car. And that is bad for them. Someone has a very sick kid. And that is bad for them. Someone lost a parent or friend. And that is bad for them.
Today I’m deciding that our bad may not be the worst possible thing anyone is dealing with — but you know what?? It is bad for us. And it is okay to be upset that we have to deal with this. It breaks my heart to see my husband upset that a simple shower is now a huge one hour chore. It breaks my heart that we follow a flip chart of directions before we can go to bed at night. It breaks my heart that our kids are being impacted by this. It breaks my heart that this will never be over.
My 37 year old husband and all of us will deal with this from now on. Forever. It will always be hills and valleys. Every time we are on top we will always know there will be a down. Even after we get a kidney — he is 37 — a new kidney won’t last forever. A new kidney is a treatment – not a cure. We’ll get to go through all of this again. Possibly once. Maybe several times. Maybe by the time we need a new one science will have some fantastic answer for us. Maybe not. There will always be doctor appointments. There will always be blood tests. There will always be that bit of worry.
It is okay to be upset about your missing shoe today. I’m upset about my husband.